Mother's Spit

We were sitting around chatting with our friends while on vacation in Kansas and it somehow came up that mother's spit will clean just about anything.  I think it was Christina's idea.  This is important for the sake of royalties because I think Mother's Spit has marketing potential as a cleaning product.  I can just imagine the marketing campaign.  A young child runs into the house trailing muddy footprints across the kitchen floor and hides in the bathroom.  The mom walks in and upon discovering the footprints her expression quickly changes from one of disgust to one of serene intelligence - she knows just the thing to clean this up in a jiffy.

The camera tightens on the mother's face as she extends her jaw and produces a throaty kkkeeewwweee sound just before she hocks a huge loogie on the first of many footprints.  It vanishes with one wipe of her mighty rag, leaving a shining clean floor where the muddy print used to be.  However, her once confident demeanor withers slightly into a look of consternation as she realizes quickly this is a much bigger job than she at first considered.  What will she do now?  Even moms have a spit take limit after all.  [Isn't this suspenseful!?]

That's when we cut to mom shopping at the store as she discovers a bottle of Mother's Spit.  The revolutionary culmination of evolutionary goodness that can only come from the mouth of moms everywhere.  It's special pro-bacterial formula eats away grit and grime and leaves behind a host a good Mom germs that provide long lasting cleansing action for days to come.  [It's brilliant...and because it has the backing of the good name of Mom it will be immediately accepted and trusted everywhere!  The shit spit sells itself.]  But now back to the kitchen.

Mom pulls out her bottle of Mother's Spit for this big job and makes quick work of the kitchen floor which now has that handsome spit shine.  Then mom moves on to the bathroom where she finds the child hiding in the tub behind the shower curtain.  A quick lick of the finger and a wipe of the chin reveals a sheepish grin that says, "I'm sorry mom."  Mom just smiles and surveys the damage.  This is another big job, but no worries, a cap full of Mother's Spit in the bath water will take care of everything.  With a squeaky clean child the bath water is now used to launder the child's muddy clothes and as the tub is drained we once again find that amazing shine.  Mother's Spit goes a really really long ways.

We'll end with mom and child smiling at each other with sparkling teeth.  That's right!  A little Mother's Spit on your toothbrush removes plaque and provides tartar control too!  But wait, there's more.  Our little child has a troublesome little cowlick as well, it's more than a coincidence 'lick' is in the name.  A spritz of Mother's Spit and everything is picture perfect.  How many uses can you find for Mother's Spit?

I've even got the production figured out.  Just think of the millions of stay-at-home moms that would jump at the chance to earn a little extra income by collecting extra bits of spit and shipping them to my collection facility.  I'm praying they are too busy with their children to realize they could just save these reserves for themselves, but then I can still collect from all the moms that no longer have children at home.  I'm thinking about contracting with the milkman to provide pickup services.  I'm sorry dads but you are naturally excluded from participation, but not to worry I have another idea that includes you.

I seriously have no idea why I'm not already a millionaire with ideas like this.  I'm so excited about my impending richness I'm already working on my next idea.  With the certain popularity of Mother's Spit I figure I can get lots of secondary sales from Father's Ass.  With this versatile product you can quickly finish those tedious projects like stripping old paint (I guess new paint will peel off just as easily), degreasing your grill, or fumigating for insects and rodents.  I'm working out a few kinks, however.  I'm still trying to find a material strong enough to contain Father's Ass.  The normal plastic bottles keep disintegrating and the cast iron pots I'm using now are going to be too expensive to ship.  But I'm really excited about having different strengths of Father's Ass to market - Wife's Meatloaf for those simple projects, Bratwurst & Kraut for those medium to hard projects, and 5 Alarm Chili Bowl for those stubborn projects and house guests that won't leave.

If any of my family and friends would like to participate in some research projects please just let me know.  At the moment Christina is the only one in this deal and she'd like some help.